My last post was in November. I knew it’d been a long time, but I didn’t know it had been that long.
Grief is a strange thing. You think the beginning is the worst. Or you think a little later is worse. When you’re staring down the long goodbye, like Alzheimer’s, you expect it. You anticipate it. If you’re like me, you spend plenty of time preparing for it. But grief. . .well it doesn’t operate on a pre-approved schedule. It does its own thing.
I don’t know at what point I realized that all my grief plans were garbage. I’m not sure when I realized that you can’t logic your way through it. As an emotional person, quite possibly an HSP (highly sensitive person) I have spent pretty much my whole life trying to handle emotion, trying to get it to follow some kind of order because that’s what the world expects. A lot of time that works, but with my mother’s passing I’m learning that a lot of time is not all the time.
You can’t put logic on grief. You can feel that terrible swelling wave that starts in the throat and spreads through your body, and you can try to figure out what is causing it. That works with depressive moments, Seasonal Affective disorder, times of rage, times of joy. But grief–that’s another animal. Sometimes there’s a trigger, but mostly it’s just there. It grabs you by the throat and shakes you. The more you fight it–and trying to color it with logic, looking triggers is trying to fight it–the longer it stays. You either let it run its course, or you go around with a dark cloud looming over your head, and a constant feeling of an impending breakdown.
And so. At some point in the last nine or so months, I finally came to terms with that. I stopped fighting it, and let the pain pour out of me. I found a therapist and let the pain pour out at her too. I gave up trying to wrap myself up in discipline, which was just as destructive. After spending years forcing myself to dive into painful situations, I couldn’t do it anymore. For example, it’s almost 1 am. I should be in bed. I’m not listening to the should.
I have been busy, though. Not as much as I would like, but certainly as much as I could handle. I’m not exactly sure when I discovered GIMP, but ever since, I’ve been learning how to use it. There are tons of youtube videos that show you how to do things. I am so appreciative of these people who take the time to teach these things. I have books too on how to use it and spent a whole lot of time fooling around with it.
During that time I came up with new covers for my books. I loved them at the time. Then I started loving them less. I put them up on Amazon regardless. I tried them on CreateSpace to create paperback books, but by the time the proofs came in, I was working on something else.
I’ve been reading–Ready Player One was fantastic!–and yes, writing. I’m well into the second draft of the final book in this trilogy. I wanted to write up some short story novella-style books on the main characters’ lives and how they came to be dissidents, from their points of view (not 1st person, but certainly in thier heads). I never got to that. Maybe I will in the future. I would give each story away for free, and possibly put one whole book together at some point. Is that something you would be interested? Comment, email, contact me through facebook or twitter and let me know.
In the meantime, though, I’m focused on this last final book. I said it would be out by June. Then I said this summer. Then I told myself mid-September. It’s looking like the end of September right now.
I’ve also retitled the books and I have new covers for them. It’s late right now so I’m not going to put them up today. Hopefully by the end of the week. If not, certainly next week.
So that’s where I am. My mother’s been gone more than a year and I am finding the pieces of myself that mourning and the daily grief of Alzheimer’s stole from me. I’m not there yet, but it does feel good to be getting close to the end of this last book.